Tell me about life

Here I am a senior with aspirations and dreams but really there are all things things I want to do but I don't know where to start. This is the hardest thing right now. Maybe what I need to do is concentrate more on what i want to do and doing it without thinking about what will happen on the way. Spontaneousness is something I always wished I was able to hold on to but was never able to harness it as I think about and over think things. This looks like it may be a new chapter in my life. A chapter of spontaneousness and self knowledge.

I have realized more and more lately that for some reason I am terrified of failing or being inadequate at something. So much that things I don't know how to do or things I know someone else is better at i will completely stay away from. So, maybe I need to explore this a bit more and learn about myself again.

I think the meaning of life is to live, love, care, and have compassion. To let others understand the way you feel and to learn from you and your perspective. To allow people to see you for what you really are . To leave with others how you made them feel and your memories.

I hope I allow people to see who I really am, as I know I block and hold information as much as possible to avoid myself being hurt in the process. Its almost embarrising to admit but I am terrified that once someone knows me, they won't like me.

Lay it all on the line

Politically - I find myself to be more and more liberal minded. Why? It was Marx called class consciousness. This is one reason that I have politically changed to be more liberal. Also, I have become more liberal because it matches more with my lifestyle. While my lifestyle is a lot differant than the rest of you that this was made for (the guild). I have learned many things because of it and I believe that these things make me a better person. I tend to see myself as the black sheep, or the one who has strayed the most from what I was before. That may be part of the reason that I have kept you guys a little bit away from my life and not shared much. This has been due to the fact that I used to be very conscious of the way people see me and how you will think of me. However, now with the changes that have been made in my life, I can honestly say that don't care what you think of me but I do hope that what you of me hasn't changed because I have changed. I hope that you will think of me as a good friend that you still have that has changed. And changed for the better. That is my thought.

Spiritually - I will define myself as spiritual and not religious. This is because I spend large amounts of time in self reflection. I beleive that Jesus was a man on earth and he did great things. That he even died for my sins, however I don't find a reason for organized religion (the church). Becuase I am a genuinly happier person having not had the church in my life for a long time. Also, I think the church is great for some people. But to me it is simply a social control mechanism that I don't need. What I believe most of all is "faith leads to salvation". An idea of the late Martin Luther.
I know at least one of you will be sure to rebuttle this, however know I will listen and read it. It will most likely not change my mind.

Majorly - I am a sociology major with a criminal and social justice concentration with minors in psychology as well as substance abuse education. After getting out of undergraduate (i'll be in undergrad most likely 5 yrs) I will most likely go to the peace corps. When I come back I am hoping to get admitted to a graduate school in Albany, New York. The second best criminal justice graduate program in the United States.

Relationally - I have nothing and its great. I have many good close friends that I have here. Several that have left Central and I keep up with also. Having close friends for me right now is just as good as having a relationship. Those of you that don't know from Feb - August I had girlfriends the whole time + or - about 1 or 2 weeks. Now I am in a "slump" and I don't really want to get out of it because I keep my life complicated enough without any help.

Overall - I am busy. I am a SAPA (Sexual Aggression Peer Advocates) one of the only programs like it. We run a 24/7 crisis line for survivors of rape, domestic violence, stalking, ect. This line is mostly for people on campus however we do have resources that we can find for those outside of CMU. The females answer the phones and we (the men) don't honestly answer many phones or do too much. We do programs and also are role models.

Second, I am a Alternative Spring Break site leader for the second year. This year I am going to Florida for the issue of Education and working with an elementary school. We will be working with the school and also with the kids in classrooms sometimes.

Third, I am a conduct hearing board member. This means that when people are being accused of breaking a code of conduct I may be a member of a board that is in charge of deciding if it "more likely than not" that they did this. Then, we decide on a sanction.

Fourth, I work at J.W. Filmores with is a family restaurant here in Mt Pleasant. I am a host right now and not enjoying it so much. I work anywhere from 10-30 hours a week.

Fifth, school. I am taking 17 credits. A few of these credits not so much fun. And I am working to keep good grades in these.

Sixth, I am a member of Student Community Action Network through the Michigan Campus Compact.
Stealing from their site, SCAN :

• SCAN unites Michigan student leaders engaged in service, service-learning or civic engagement on their college campus.
• SCAN serves as the student component of Michigan Campus Compact (MCC). It is the student voice that impacts decisions affecting service and civic engagement made at state and local levels.
• SCAN provides structured statewide opportunities for sharing campus activities, solving problems, discussing statewide issues in service, service-learning and civic engagement, and utilizing resources available throughout Michigan .
• SCAN develops the individual leadership skills of its members. The student representatives from each institution obtain the knowledge and ability to further service and civic engagement initiatives on their campuses.

So.... thats my life.

All the dopamine in the world

Lately, I have still been in my crazy happy mood. This has been added by the general optimism around me. That's because all of you in my life are pretty much amazing.
The only problem I am having is that I just don't have any ambition towards school. However, for the most part I am doing fine. All I have to do is make sure I am allocating the right amount of time towards good old school . But in reality I am fine.

There has been on thing that has been getting more thought than the rest of the things in my life that demand any amount of thought processing. This thought has been one of where I am living next year. While right now I am fine with the fact that for the most part I have a "kind of" roommate its also really frustrating. Because, I won't know for a while whether I really have a roommate for next semester or not. In the meantime, if I see any amazing offers as far as living with people then I may just agree. However, I don't see too many people that I know at least running around looking for roommates or really being very concerned with getting roommates for next year at this time.

Third, wow Third Eye Blind is amazing. The song I am listening to this moment is Motorcycle Drive By. It is such an amazing song. Basically, they are amazing and you should listen to them. Also, if you don't listen to Brand New, you fail at life. Ok so you don't fail at life, maybe I am being a bit irrational and crazy because I am in a really crazy happy mood.

Anyway, this session is over.

today

it was good. I'll elaborate later, I am still busy.

Today I haven't done too many things.
With my co-site (Dan Nowiski) for Alternative Spring Breaks we managed to get all of our interviewees called. That was rather exciting we also managed to have a couple of those confirmed times.
I had coffee with the amazing Emily Doerr.
Went back to the Vol Center and picked up my backpack and moved on to the library and decided to read a book for a while. I am currently reading The Broker By John Grisham.
Later I made my way slowly here, to the computer lab in Grawn. So I can eventually print some stuff out. At the same time also blogging a little.